JOANNA CAREW

Struggling McStrugglington … the sos WhatsApp I sent to my sis earlier today. She’s my rock and confidant, so if I am ever feeling low I send her this message.

Without any judgment she jumped on a call to go through why I am feeling off. Today, she was expecting it, she’s watched me do too much these past weeks and knew it was unsustainable.

The thing is, I have been doing a lot, and on top I have had unexpected additional stressors from multiple angles. But the final tipping point, bizarrely, was being surrounded by truly awesome, inspirational people and feeling totally inadequate next to them. Cue, my mini crash.

When she talked me through she pointed out many things:

I have been running around like a headless chicken trying to fit things in.

I have been people-pleasing, in order to meet the needs of others, and neglecting myself.

I am measuring myself against great people and piling on the pressure to perform.

I’m tired. Very tired.

Multiple unexpected problems have been cropping up …

… And voila, I am feeling overwhelmed.

When I am really overdone, like now, I have to fight my whole body going into spasm – this is an issue that dates back to the days of my breakdown, a psychosomatic display of my mental state.

Today, trying to be active, I went hacking and had to fight incredible pain with locked, cramped limbs, cantering and even jumping, whilst smiling through the pain. Actually, the horse was an angel and it was a lot of fun, just I was fragile, in pain, and of course didn’t let my friend know. Back home afterwards, I had to negotiate an enormous financial decision, one that carries risk as well as gain, and the muscular pain continued to rage through my limbs.

I told my sister this stress is why I haven’t been blogging. She turned and said, Jo even if you don’t publish the blogs, write them. It is all very well being at the top of the mountain talking about the stunning view, but the reality is that it is a slog getting there and you are slogging at the moment.

So here we are. I am so privileged, just spent the weekend in the company of the most incredible people, including receiving 6 lectures from the awe-inspiring Sir Clive Woodward. Just that, this week, I am fragile and fighting a few demons. Will reset, lean on my support network, and know I will be flying again very soon.

Maybe you’ll judge me for writing this, or maybe you will relate, I don’t know. It is a gamble sharing my vulnerability. I haven’t had even a day feeling low or off for so many months, so this spell has taken me totally unawares. What is frustrating is that I am doing all of the wellbeing hacks that I know and I still I feel crap.

Going to grab an early night, and start over tomorrow … jaded but absolutely not defeated ❤️