JOANNA CAREW

I wasn’t sure about writing this post, it’s a live situation, very raw, and I feel extremely vulnerable. If anybody reads this and it helps you, please do let me know.

One of my biggest struggles is meeting people and forming relationships in group settings. I can do 1-2-1s fine, but put me in a group setting – social or professional – and my interpersonal – aka social – anxiety can completely derail me. I’ll become tongue tied, avoid eye contact, and my energy seems to repel people and shut down conversations. It’s painful and I find myself asking mundane questions and making cringeworthy small talk in a futile attempt to interact.

⬇️ How I feel ⬇️

What is going on?! Inside my head it gets very noisy. There’s a timid young voice asking why nobody likes me, then an overriding critic raging and ridiculing; yelling at me it is because I’m inadequate and boring, and mocking that I can’t even hold a conversation. Spending so much energy in this internal dialogue I miss much of what is going on externally and am not in the room. My anxiety escalates, and my belief of being inferior is self-fulfilling as nobody really seems able to engage.

Interpersonal anxiety is debilitating and tiring, and if you’re not careful you can avoid social situations or spend hours overanalysing previous interactions.

This past weekend, despite loving the content and respecting the other delegates on the Elite Dental Leaders course (last blog post), the truth is I was also battling anxiety so badly I nearly fled during the first day. I had no idea how I could keep going when I could barely breathe, in fact in the break before dinner I phoned my sister and broke down in tears explaining my dilemma: the course was transformational, yet my anxiety was crippling and I couldn’t face a group dinner, let alone attending day two.

My sister is a phenomenal support, as is my brother-in-law. They’ve helped me through so many times like these and calmly they talked me through the situation, reassuring me, plus offering practical advice and conversational prompts to manage interactions during dinner. Consequently, I attended dinner and the rest of the course and although it was excruciating, and I was oozing “fuck-off” vibes, I felt elated and emotional afterwards that I had been brave enough to stick with it.

Actually, I cried on and off the whole journey back, instead of going home I beelined to my sister’s house, totally emotionally spent. She’d expected it, cooked a meal, had a beer and blaring music ready, and picked me up with fluffy slippers and a massive cuddle. She truly is the best big sis anybody could ever wish for!!!

Overcoming this fear is taking so long and I am frustrated that in 8-years of psychology we’ve still not ‘fixed’ me. But as Petra, my psychologist, pointed out today this is my biggest, deepest fear, even now I don’t always let her see inside my head, dreading ridicule or rejection. She also reminded me that I have made huge steps in the right direction. When I met her the anxiety was so overwhelming I couldn’t actually speak or walk freely and was completely agoraphobic – now I run a successful business and choose to network and meet new people!

Clearly, this level of anxiety affects both personal and professional growth, and limits networking opportunities. Plus living in the threat zone diminishes happiness, creativity and curiosity. Managing it is a Jojo WIP (work in progress) and I’m renowned for seeing my WIPs through! I think that’s why I’ve summoned the courage to write about it, shining a light on my fears rather than hiding and feeling ashamed. I have experienced this problem for nearly 4 decades, but with a little more patience, and a lot more work, I am determined to keep trying to crack this one.

Right now my timid voice and critic are in full swing, please be kind 🫣