JOANNA CAREW

Earlier this week I travelled to Newcastle for the kick-off of Natwest’s Accelerator programme for entrepreneurs. Having recently won a place on the 6-month programme I was excited to get started … then I proceeded to quit after just 1.5 hours!

Why?! I changed my mind.

This blog post explores why I made that decision, and whether it was right to walk away.

Panic Attack

That morning I wasn’t quite myself, I was juggling a lot work-wise and was still a bit shaken from an encounter with the police for speeding the day before. Thus, my stress levels were probably elevated, and I was a bit hormonal too. Immediately on arriving at the venue I felt a panic attack coming on: instead of networking I dived into a corner to deal with ‘urgent’ emails.

Panic attacks are rare for me nowadays so it was a bit unsettling and as it progressed I felt like I was dying inside making small talk, and being subjected to an icebreaker game where we had to gurn, wiggle, dance, and make silly noises.

Usually, I’m ok meeting like-minded people, albeit I thrive in small groups and 1-2-1s, and whilst I don’t love fooling around like a loon with strangers it doesn’t phase me. Yet, in the middle of a panic attack both were unbearable and I just wanted to run. Not that I really displayed the panic attack outwardly, I am practised in hiding it behind a smile 🤯

But I needed to leave and at the first break I spoke to the organiser and quit, apologising I couldn’t make the time commitment right now. After just 1.5 hours I headed back to my car with my tail between my legs and set off for Norfolk.

Self-Critic

I felt like a complete failure. Like a fool for wasting £300 on the trip, taking nearly 2 days off work, and cross with myself that I hadn’t researched the programme better. My self-critic was raging and I was on the edge of tears.

Compassion and Reason

Recently, I have developed an amusing habit where I talk aloud to myself. Sure, if anybody saw me this may appear a little bonkers, but it is so constructive!

The drive home from Newcastle takes 5+ hours, so I had plenty of thinking time. After my self-critic head-bashing I distracted myself with an audio book for a bit, then I started the self-talk.

I took each point that my self-critic had thrown at me and, out loud, I explored it discussing counter arguments and adding further context, compassion, and a voice of reason. Essentially, I addressed everything as I would if a friend came to me and was beating themself up.

Responding to My Critic

Breaking down the allegations made by my self-critic it turns out I am not a failure, nor an idiot. To address some specific points:

I’m an idiot for not realising how intensive the time commitment was:

• This was largely due to Natwest overhauling the programme and trialling a new programme of intensive face-to-face events for our cohort.
• But yes, I could’ve researched this better, and didn’t.

What a fool for applying for a course with personal development areas that aren’t even relevant for me:

• If I had less on my plate I would love to work on areas such as pitching and fund-raising.
• I was being over optimistic with the capacity I have for taking on new things. This is one of my weaknesses, I am hungry and love to learn so take on too much.
• When I quit I did so strategically – arranging with the organiser to reapply for the programme next September – so I’ve kept the opportunity open for when I have more time and am able to engage.

Quitting means you miss out on learning about business expansion:

• Yes it does, but you have other avenues open: I already have a detailed strategy for my business expansion, created bespoke for Carew Dental by the fabulous Mike Lever, of Lever Development Limited.
• I know what I need to do over the next 6-months and also have key support people to reach out to during this period to bounce ideas, and work through difficulties.
• I am starting a year-long course next month with Sameer Patel’s Elite Dental Leaders. This is a tiny cohort and much better suited to my preference for sharing and learning. Plus, it is industry specific so should add nuanced elements about dentistry too.

My Conclusion

I jumped in with both feet applying for this programme and when I found out the detail it wasn’t right for me, not right now. I could’ve avoided the trip, spend, and a panic attack. It’s a reminder to me to count to 10 before diving in and to weigh up existing commitments.

However, I did realise early doors that I’d made a mistake and instead of trying to continue, I have walked away with minimal loss.

Quitting was the right thing to do, I have no regrets now. I’m proud of this decision and think the panic attack was probably my subconscious giving me a red flag that I didn’t have the capacity to take on another commitment at the moment.

Maybe it’s a lesson for us all: even when we’ve started something, it might be better to withdraw with a bit of egg on your face, than to plough on for the sake of pride …

Self-compassion 1, self-critic 0.

I’ll drink to that, cheers 💛🩶