JOANNA CAREW

As part of Mental Health Awareness week I promised to share some of my mental health recovery and maintenance stories with you. This post details my psycho-therapy. It is a bit complicated so get a cup of tea and settle in … thanks for reading ❤️

I’ve been “in therapy” for 8 years. My psychologist, Dr Petra Carlsson-Mitchell, is a chartered clinical psychologist based in Hexham, Northumberland. She’s one of the most intelligent, patient, humble, and talented women I have met. Petra has – literally – been a lifesaver for me, and so much more. She’s gently directed me onto a path where I feel safe to heal, grow, and discover the world.

Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Petra practises multiple therapies including Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS). This is a recognition of the many personalities and voices we have internally and how they interrelate. In researching this blog post I came across a therapist who has a fabulous website on IFS, check it out if you want a more comprehensive introduction: https://phildelahaye.com/internal-family-systems-and-chronic-pain/.

My internal world as I understand it through IFS:

• SELF: the core, honest me with my life values.
• PARTS: made up of managers, firefighters and protectors who step in with unhelpful but well meant actions, behaviours and thoughts to try and help me cope with life. The parts are often children and teenagers who don’t cope running things in an adult world.
• EXILES: for me these are aged 4 to 10 and I have only recently met them. They are traumatised children that stayed out in the cold, kept away from the self by the loving but misguided parts.

Are you still with me?!

Little People in My Head!

It is a bit crazy, but all of the parts and exiles are like little people living inside my head and when I’m in a poor mental state they take over and run things, whilst the self scrambles around and can’t manage anybody … imagine a party that gets out of control and the host has ZERO chance of calming things down!

Petra helped me to visualise the parts using a bowl of rocks. The white rock was the self (me), then all of the parts piled around it, but the exiles were completely blocked from getting into the bowl and sat alone on the outside.

Systems

We also have systems that come online: namely the soothing, threat and drive systems. Our parts influence the balance of these systems. For me, in ill-health my soothing system is weakened and because of the behaviour of the parts I rely on threat and drive. When this happens I feel terrible, wracked with anxiety, whilst piling on the workload to try and prove to myself I am not a ‘failure’. Then can’t cope and become paralysed with shame and self-loathing.

Self-Critic

My main part manager is called Self-Critic and it takes on the persona of a real life person who abused me for many years. It screams and shouts at me for being a failure and a ‘stupid girl’ and beats me with a stick to do better. About 6 years ago I did this really weird exercise with Petra and confronted the Self-Critic. It was so bizarre but I found out it loved me and was just frightened, so it beat me badly because it wanted me to succeed.

Ironically, in good mental health, Self-Critic becomes my motivator, vocal cheerleader, and that is why Joanna is so kick-ass and driven!

Good Mental Health

When I am managing my mental health well, the SELF is in control it talks to all of the parts and the exiles. In real life, I feel calmest when working, so this is how I manage my head! I genuinely call all of the parts and exiles to join me in the meeting room 🤣🤪. We sit around the table and it is hilarious as I watch the various parts and exiles eyeballing one another wearily! 

SELF chairs the meeting and lets anybody have a say that wants to. We all listen respectfully to one another and often that’s enough: just giving each part and exile the space to express themselves. I have learnt to simply observe and feel the emotions without trying to push them away, act on them, or make any judgment. We’ve even started having daily huddles, just to check in and make a quick plan for the day!

Hybrid Therapy Models

As I am feeling more confident and regularly live in a state of good mental health I have started incorporating other psycho-therapy models into the IFS parts therapy. Petra is so supportive with this and we talk about how therapy is just finding a language that resonates with the patient. So many principles are similar if you strip them down.

My hybrid combines IFS, the Chimp Paradox, Solve for Happy, and the Expectation Effect. Petra and I laughed imagining each of the little part/exile people running around my head as the human-chimp-computers that Professor Steve Peters talks about. He’d probably have a fit if he saw his model being carved up so brutally into multiple people, but this works for me, and that’s where I am at.

I have attached a pdf of some mind maps I created (blocking out the identities of my abusers), it is a bit of a maze but might be interesting to have a look at??

Next Steps In Therapy

Our work now is to look at Jo – why I am still feeling insecure and inadequate socially. We’re going to build towards me loving Jo, just like I love Jojo and am in awe of Joanna (if this sounds weird see my post #2 Who am I?).

Writing this blog is becoming part of my therapy too, trying to being candidly open publicly: I am trying to remain unashamed of my thoughts, feelings, and who I am. This is ENORMOUS because despite my trust and respect for Petra, I often feel too vulnerable to even ‘do therapy’ in our sessions and have to go home and do the work in private … so discussing myself so openly here really is a giant and terrifying leap of faith!

It would mean everything to me if you drop me a private message and let me know your thoughts about these posts, and to share your journey with me … 

Anyhow, that’s my personal crazy and it keeps me happy! I hope you’re having a great Mental Health Awareness week xxx

… But If You’re Struggling Right Now

Please understand that nobody is weak for suffering. You CAN feel better, even though it seems impossible, you can. Please please reach out to a friend, colleague, loved one, or a stranger. Reaching out is a leap of faith, but know that it’s a show of strength to ask for help, and it’s your first step to healing all of that pain xxxx

Mental Health Crisis Helplines: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/